I once wrote to a client when he was negotiating with
someone on a commission:
"…Don’t write anything back saying “agreed” or
anything of the sort. Just ask questions, like, so, is __________ also ok with
the staggered payment of the lease commission if we agree to the 4% commission
to her? The distillation of my 19 years as an attorney is avoid making
definitive statements. Just restate the other person’s position and ask if you
understand them correctly. It generally goes better for you, and a question can
rarely be used as a legal “admission.” Actually, it goes way back, to the
Bible:
“19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should
be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man's anger
does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” James 1:19-20.
“8 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and
discerning if he holds his tongue.” Prov. 17:28.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word
stirs up anger.” Prov 15:1.
“It is a trap to dedicate something
rashly and only later to consider one’s vows.” Prov. 20:25.
“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance
of counselors there is safety.” Prov.
11:14.
“‘It’s no good, it's no good!’ says the
buyer-- then goes off and boasts about the purchase.” Prov. 20:14. A principle of economics is that a person’s
actions are better indicators of belief/values than his or her words.
Ben Franklin also thought this method was the best for
argumentation: “But he soon learned how to be modest in argument: to say, “It
seems to me,” or “I apprehend a thing to be so.” Also, he found one could often
argue even more effectively by not making firm declarations, but by asking
subtle and gentle questions. His opponents would soon make concessions from
which they could fine no logical way out. Frequently, in this way, he could win
an argument and yet not lose a friend.” Benjamin Franklin: Inventing America by
Edwin S. Gaustad."
Perhaps one of the greatest examples of negotiation is between
Abraham and God on the destruction of Sodom related in Genesis 18:22-23. Abraham starts out with: “Will you indeed sweep away the righteous with the wicked? Suppose there are fifty righteous within the
city. Will you then sweep away the place and not spare it for the fifty
righteous who are in it? Far be it from
you to do such a thing, to put the righteous to death with the wicked, so that the
righteous fare as the wicked! Far be that from you! Shall not the Judge of all
the earth do what is just?” God concedes
that he would not destroy the city if 50 righteous could be found in it. Abraham then goes back lowering the
threshold, to 45, 40, 30, 20 and finally 10, each time gaining a concession
that the city would not be destroyed if the lowered number of righteous could
be found. Much has been written on this
interaction, and I wouldn’t attempt to add any more insight to those
discussions. I do observe, however, some
interesting dynamics at play in this story.
The bargaining power between God and Abraham was obviously unequal. Abraham knew who he was negotiating against,
and his values. He reminded God of those
values and worked respectfully and tactfully toward the desired goal. He also avoided the head on conflict and used
more questions than statements.
Can we extract any principles from these? Here are some, but I would love to here your
thoughts:
- Learn as much as you possibly can about what you’re negotiating about, what your goals are, what your best alternatives to making a deal are, your negotiating partner and his or her goals, values and best alternatives.
- Listen more than talk.
- Avoid head to head conflicts.
- Ask a lot of questions.
- Take time for reflection and obtaining advice before making a commitment.
- Get good advice before making a commitment.
- Keep in mind the long term relationship more than just the immediate transaction.
- Commit to a win-win or no deal strategy.
- Remember to question everything that the other person says keeping in mind that their actions are a better indicator of belief than are words.
